A cautionary tale for faculty and teaching assistants

It angers me that the University sponsors talks and forums to better inform students about sexual assault, yet deans, professors and teaching assistants act as though there are no victims of sexual assault in their classes. Everyone says "Seek help, seek help", but it's hard to seek help from a dean who assumes I'm failing because I spend too much time on Rugby Road or a professor who thinks I'd do better as a French major. Do they realize that it would be such an accomplishment if I could go to parties without feeling afraid, or if I could sleep one night without waking up screaming? If I could stop recalling memories of incest so I could focus on my studies?

I came to this school with childhood dreams that I wanted to fulfill-- one of which is to become a physicist. I graduated from high school in the top 15% of my class, having taken primarily math and science courses. I knew what I came here for and that was what I was going after.

I also knew that I was not developing into the person that God had intended me to be. I had been living life with one defense mechanism after another. I could feel deep down in my heart that the real me was afraid to be and I was tired of being afraid. After the first year focus session on sexual assault I talked to my RA and she took me to the Counseling center. I gladly went because I needed help, but I had no idea how hard it would be to delve into horrid memories of sexual abuse and at the same time be a student in "good standing" at the University.

After I began therapy, I suffered panic attacks any time I felt afraid or stressed. I couldn't concentrate on my school work and I couldn't recall information during tests for which I'd studied at least two weeks. Like I said earlier, my dean thought I partied too much and my advisor thought I should be a French major because I speak the language. I was very alone. My roommate didn't know what was wrong. On the outside everything seemed fine. My parents are Christians and raised us well. My dad is from a rich family--we lacked nothing. My uncles were the ones who made my life terrible. How could I share this with my roommate? What would she think of me? I couldn't talk to her and I couldn't talk to anyone.

My second semester, I was on academic probation. I worked really hard and got good grades. I also took Vivarin like it was Tic Tac so I wouldn't fall asleep and have nightmares; I took scalding hot showers to punish myself if I remembered the abuse and I would beat my head with the telephone if I got stressed out. But it's okay, I got my butt in gear, passed and I'm still in school! The sad thing is that my professors don't think I'm stupid anymore; they just think I'm lazy.

No one should have to go through this alone. I know how hard it's been for me and I know I'm not alone. I also realize that sexual assault is not the only problem that a student may have. It's just that in my experience, professors seem more understanding for a student who's lost a loved one than a student who's lost a childhood. That's not because the professors seem more understanding for a student who's lost a childhood. That's not because the professors in the physics department (or any other department) don't care. It's because they don't know what to do. That's why the Sexual Assault Education Coordinator is here--to help you figure out what you can do. The Teaching Resource Center and the Sexual Assault Resource Agency are other resources.

Teaching assistants, you are not excluded from this. Many classes are taught by TA's and you need to be aware of your students' concerns. I would like every instructor and student reading this article to realize the potential you have for improving someone's life. It's a power we don't readily acknowledge, but it's there.

I challenge everyone--instructors, I challenge you to give fifteen minutes in class to talk about sexual assault to your students or have someone come in and do it; students, how well do you know your roommate, classmate or friend? You don't have to probe--just be genuinely interested when you ask "How are you?" People can see right through empty words.

Remember, I could be your student, lover, colleague, roommate, friend, or enemy. I could be of any race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, class, physical ability, civilian or military. Be aware. If you need information, call the Sexual Assault Education Coordinator at 982-2774.

This article was written by a third year student who was a victim of sexual abuse. Statistics tell us that one in every four girls and one in every ten boys is a victim of sexual abuse. On the outside, these are normal people with desires and aspirations such as yourself. They go to high school and apply to colleges to become great members of society. Many of you have told us that college will be a growing experience. Unfortunately for survivors of abuse, the growing process includes dealing with the burdens of the abuse, in addition to all the other things students face in college.