Abuse in relationships is described as the use of power and control by one person over an intimate partner. In most abusive relationships, physical violence is only one part of the violence, and may even be a rare event. The image below, the "Power and Control Wheel" created by the Duluth Project, vividly portrays how this works:
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The spokes on the wheel illustrate the many ways abusers exert power and control. The outer rim of the wheel depicts physical violence. As long as the psychological abuse, threats and intimidation keeps an abused person under control in the batterer's mind, physical violence is unnecessary. All that is required is the threat of violence. This might explain why the abuser feels justified in blaming his/her victim for the need to hit or physically abuse him/her: she/he wasn't obeying, complying, doing her job, etc., so she needed to be punished or reminded of her duty.
Domestic violence in gay or lesbian relationships takes a similar form, with the added element of heterosexism/homophobia. Click here to see a model of the abuse of power and control in same-sex couples.