SAEO: Misconceptions about Relationship/Domestic Violence

Rethinking Domestic Violence

Misconceptions	Reality	Productive Thinking
Relationship/domestic violence affects only a small part of the population.	According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, from 25% to 50% of all women in heterosexual relationships are abused. The Surgeon General has reported that battering threatens the lives of more women than rape, cancer or car accidents combined.	I understand that domestic/relationship violence is extremely common, and affects all aspects of society.
Domestic violence occurs only among poorly educated families in the lower socio-economic classes and/or people of color.	Battering affects women of all classes, races, religions, nationalities and ages, married or not, straight and lesbian. When batterers are categorized by profession, police officers, doctors, lawyers and accountants rank as the most at risk to commit violence against a mate.	I understand that one's position in society is no protection against domestic/relationship violence, and therefore I should not stereotype victims of this violence as from a certain class or ethnic/racial group.
Fights between mates is a natural part of life.	Disagreements occur in all relationships, but what distinguishes a disagreement, or "heated argument" from abuse is emotional degradation and physical violence. In many instances, physical abuse begins when the woman becomes pregnant, or immediately after the wedding ceremony. Battering is considered to be as common among dating couples as those who are married. Studies among college students revealed that as many as 27% of women were physically abused, and 36% were sexually abused by their partners.	I will learn the difference between a disagreement between equals and an argument that fosters abuse. If I have trouble discussing my feelings, I will seek help in order to learn how to handle conflict without violence.
A slap never hurt anyone.	A slap can kill. According to the Journal of the American Medical Assn., 35% of all women who arrive at doctors' offices or hospital seeking emergency treatment are victims of domestic violence. Battering causes emotional disability and physical disability, including blindness, deafness, paralysis -- even death. In as many as half of all abusive relationships, rape is part of the abuse. Nearly one-half of all women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a male partner.	Any kind of violence, whether emotional or physical, is harmful. Therefore, it's important to take all forms of abuse seriously.
Abused women must be masochistic and want to be beaten, otherwise they would leave the guy.	Women may be reluctant to leave for a complex set of factors, such as shame, fear of being unable to support her children (a majority of homeless women have fled abusive relationships), degraded self-esteem after years of emotional abuse, even love or concern for the abuser. Women are raised to feel responsible for keeping a family emotionally intact, for care-taking and healing wounds; it makes sense that some may feel responsible for the violence inflicted on them, for self-blame and believing the man they love can be changed. Some women literally are physically trapped in a violent relationship. Their spouses lock them in, removing phones and taking the children to daycare themselves, never letting the woman know where her children are. Others are disabled, either prior to, or because of the battering. Not all shelters are physically accessible, thus they may have no other place to go. Or, they simply have no idea that help is available. This is often true, for example, for immigrant women who speak no English (and who may be threatened with deportation if they tell), or deaf women, who are isolated from the general knowledge hearing people "pick up" from radio, TV or other verbal sources. When a woman does leave a relationship, there are no guarantees of safety. The most dangerous time for abused women is during a separation. Batterers will often go to great lengths to trace their spouses or partners in order to continue the abuse. Many abusers feel that they "own" their mates and are entitled to do as they wish, that "if I cant's have her, no one else can, either." How often have you read in the headlines, "Man kills wife, children, self?" Now, think how often you have read, "Woman kill husband, children, self?"	Instead of blaming the victim for staying, I will instead ask, "Why does he abuse her?" When I hear others making these comments, I will remind them that the offender is the batterer, not the victim.
Some women provoke their men and deserve to get beaten. After all, it takes two to tango.	Studies have repeatedly shown that what a woman does or doesn't do has no effect on reducing the violence in a relationship. The abuser is responsible for his violence, not his victim. Domestic violence is often characterized by a syndrome called the "cycle of violence." First, there is a period of incredible tension. The abused partner may feel like she is "walking on eggs." This tension heightens and finally explodes in violence, often including rape. In fact, because women know the violence is inevitable, they may consciously "trigger" the violent episode so they can get it over with sooner than later. This is a way of maintaining some control over an uncontrollable situation -- they may not have any say over whether the beating happens, but they might have some control over when it happens. The violence often ends with a "honeymoon" period, when the batterer is remorseful, repentant and loving. This behavior entraps the victim even more, as she truly believes his promises to change. Over time, the cycle may grow shorter and shorter, with batterings becoming more frequent and the honeymoon phase shrinking and eventually disappearing.	I see the cycle of violence in my own relationship, or in those of my friends. By recognizing this, I may be able to have an impact on ending or intervening in the abuse--or even getting out of a relationship before the violence escalates.
Married women are responsible for keeping the family together. She made her bed, she has to lie in it.	No woman deserves to be beaten. No one deserves to be humiliated, degraded, beaten, raped. While there are generally more resources for abused women in urban areas, even rural areas have resources. A batterer is responsible for his own violent behavior, and he will only stop if he understands what he has done, why he must change and makes a commitment to changing. It is difficult to expect him to manage it alone. Groups for abusive men are working to help them change, to learn new ways of dealing with frustration and anger.	By putting all the responsbility of maintaining family harmony on the woman, I am revictimizing the victim. All adult members of a family have responsibility for fostering communication and harmony, but when one is abused, it is the responsibility of the abuser to stop the violence. If someone is abused, and there is no hope of change on the part of the batterer, then she must do what she can for her own survival and that of her children.
Men batter because they've been drinking, or because the woman has been drinking.	Not all batterers are users of alcohol or drugs. Even men who are chronic substance abusers batter when they are sober. Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for violence, not the cause. Women sometimes use drugs and alcohol to mask their pain and escape the violence, and then become addicted. Sometimes women are coerced into drug addiction by abusive partners and then blackmailed into not seeking legal or emotional help in a strategy known to anti-domestic violence workers as "gas lighting."	Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for violence, not the cause. If I am to change my behavior, or encourage a change in others, I will not only deal with the substance abuse (if that is the problem) but also seek help in dealing with my anger towards women, and any past history of abuse that I may have.
Battering occurs only in heterosexual relationships.	While it isn't clear just how common it is, battering does happen in lesbian and gay relationships. The abuse is similar to that in heterosexual couples, but it is far more invisible in our society. Many programs for battered women are only just beginning to address this issue, or are insensitive to the needs of battered lesbians and gays, because of ignorance and/or homophobia. However, more groups which support battering survivors are recognizing this issue and working to become as welcoming to lesbian and gay survivors as heterosexual survivors.	Battering is about power and control, and there is no better example of this than in same-sex relationships, as it is clear that the issue is not "how men behave" or "how women behave" but how people behave when they feel the need to control others. A key difference here is that both lesbians and gay men are more isolated due to heterosexism and homophobia in our culture; consequently, I need to be sensitive to that fact.

If you have any questions that you would like to clarify, please feel free to email your questions to saeo@virginia.edu.